Oh, how I see it shining, shining so bright, coming out of nowhere in the middle of the night
I give way and start to chase, nothing shall stop me from this light
I shall forge ahead and if need be I shall fight, yes I will fight
Feel its warmth against my soul, keeping me secure with a grip so tight
All my goals and dreams are intertwined where this light shines
I run towards and sprint ahead to get what is mine
As I approach it seems to get further away and harder to reach
I scrap and a I crawl but this light I cannot breach
Am I ever to have the happiness that I wish for with all my desires
Do I have the drive , do I have the passion or the fire
Overcome the obstacles that fall before me, to get back up after I fall
Can I fall asleep with no regret, knowing I gave it my all
For I have not been tested and not sure if I have given my best
For this journey requires my best and shall not succeed if given anything less
So now this light it mocks me where I stand
Questions my existence, my being as a man
With no certainty can I be sure I can cross that line in the sand
To get where I am to where I want to be
Till then I live in chains trying to break free
Chasing after the light to make sure i don't lose sight that I can always see
The two halves making the completion of me.
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Poem- Incomplete
Through the days through the hours, I do not possess the power
Not to think, not to hope, not to believe that I will be with you
The reel plays in my mind of the memories we made
Tormenting my being, not seeing you in the bed where you once laid
The pictures so vivid and so real that I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or awake
Is this hell or is this heaven or a test to try not to break
I'm bending with every thought, seems about to split, can hear the cracking as you consume my mind
I was told it would get better with time,
Oh how they lied, they lied to me, with such ease they lied
Trust all gone, drained, no more, still you have the nerve to ask me to look you in the eyes
I played your game of games that led me to this place where horror has met my reality
The mentality of what could be has left the actuality
So leave! Leave me here to be, and let me die my lonesome death
For I will rumble and ramble and scower even after they put me to rest
Unlike many I have been able to touch and to know what it's like to have the best
Once you have it you cannot go back to the mediocrity that you once knew
Only one thing will satisfy the soul, that being you.
That of what angels sing about and what heavens dream of
That man cannot make only the lord above
What men sacrifice their life for and send out a 1000 ships
For that moment of where a heartbeat skips, for when we share our lips
Burn down a 1000 villages and 1000 more to get it back
No man or beast that should not fear attack
Cause I shall not tire or rest till it is returned to me
For I go blind your love allows me to see
I awake in a sweat and realize what I must do
I must do whatever it takes to get back with you.
It is you that I loved, and it is you that holds my destiny
It is you I would sacrifice my life for, It is you, Yes it is you.
So don't say a word without listening to everything I say
If love was to let me down, life should go astray
Death bringing the solitude I search for, oh how I pray for that day
For If I had to choose death or you, it would be you
But these are the choices I face, so is it you?
Not to think, not to hope, not to believe that I will be with you
The reel plays in my mind of the memories we made
Tormenting my being, not seeing you in the bed where you once laid
The pictures so vivid and so real that I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or awake
Is this hell or is this heaven or a test to try not to break
I'm bending with every thought, seems about to split, can hear the cracking as you consume my mind
I was told it would get better with time,
Oh how they lied, they lied to me, with such ease they lied
Trust all gone, drained, no more, still you have the nerve to ask me to look you in the eyes
I played your game of games that led me to this place where horror has met my reality
The mentality of what could be has left the actuality
So leave! Leave me here to be, and let me die my lonesome death
For I will rumble and ramble and scower even after they put me to rest
Unlike many I have been able to touch and to know what it's like to have the best
Once you have it you cannot go back to the mediocrity that you once knew
Only one thing will satisfy the soul, that being you.
That of what angels sing about and what heavens dream of
That man cannot make only the lord above
What men sacrifice their life for and send out a 1000 ships
For that moment of where a heartbeat skips, for when we share our lips
Burn down a 1000 villages and 1000 more to get it back
No man or beast that should not fear attack
Cause I shall not tire or rest till it is returned to me
For I go blind your love allows me to see
I awake in a sweat and realize what I must do
I must do whatever it takes to get back with you.
It is you that I loved, and it is you that holds my destiny
It is you I would sacrifice my life for, It is you, Yes it is you.
So don't say a word without listening to everything I say
If love was to let me down, life should go astray
Death bringing the solitude I search for, oh how I pray for that day
For If I had to choose death or you, it would be you
But these are the choices I face, so is it you?
Thursday, June 23, 2011
The Battle: Part 2
Go for it! Just go for it! Stop being scared, get off your butt and just do it! How many of us wish it was that simple to do something we would love to do? I know I sure wish it was for me but it is not. To go for it is like crossing a tight wire with no harness to catch you if you fall and you have to make it all the way across the Grand Canyon. It is for sure you are going to fall to your death and on the way down think about how stupid you were for attempting something so idiotic. I look at the situation and think to myself I can do this no problem and I can be good at it, but then I think well what will my friends think, my family, and people I don't even know what will they say about me for trying this.
Will they laugh, mock me, giggle, think I'm foolish, and the list goes on and on. I battle everything in my being to take a chance, and like most of us I come up with a reason on why I will fail and why I should not go for it. Of course after the opportunity is gone I tell myself how I could of done so good and better than the person that is doing it now but reality has to set in and question becomes could I really? How will I ever really know since I been to afraid to go for it. Have I only looked at the beast and was not to afraid to enter its ring and bring the beast down with all my might or at least be brave enough to die in the ring trying to go for what I believe is mine, why can I not bring myself to do so. I know in my mind, my heart, and my soul what needs to be done, yet when it comes that time I'm like a runner about to make the last sprint to win the race but comes up short with a cramp and only to wonder what would of happened if I had not cramped. Live in that dimension where belief and reality start to mix until you are not sure what the truth is, just becomes a figment of your imagination where you make it sound better than it really was. Do I do this in shame? Knowing I never took the chance and don't want others to know that I was to scared to ever take that chance? If it is because I don't want people to know I was scared and it is because of what people may think I do not take the risk that I feel I should take where does that put me in the balance of life? You need balance and my balance is so unbalanced that I would almost have to dive in the water with flesh hungry sharks to put some balance of risk vs safe back in balance. Does not success come with risk? If I wish to be successful I must take risk but instead stay in the safety net of what I know and what I become used to. One day I hope to have answers of how I overcame but for now I only have stories of how I stopped when I should have gone, where I stalled when I should have dove in, and maybe with more self awareness and practice I can rewrite the history of me. How the pages will look different in the later chapters than they did in the beginning. How this character should change into what he is instead of what he ought to be and at the end hold head high with arms up in victory. Victory is not being successful but not being afraid to take the risk that could lead to success, to not sit on the sidelines of life and start to breath life back out instead of fear. To allow myself the opportunity to overcome my fears and go for the things that I wish for with all my being and at the end if I get them or not to know that I did everything humanly possible to get them. Success is being able to hold my head up high even if I fall short I can still be satisfied knowing I tried. That I went for it and win or lose that nobody can say I didn't just go for it.
Will they laugh, mock me, giggle, think I'm foolish, and the list goes on and on. I battle everything in my being to take a chance, and like most of us I come up with a reason on why I will fail and why I should not go for it. Of course after the opportunity is gone I tell myself how I could of done so good and better than the person that is doing it now but reality has to set in and question becomes could I really? How will I ever really know since I been to afraid to go for it. Have I only looked at the beast and was not to afraid to enter its ring and bring the beast down with all my might or at least be brave enough to die in the ring trying to go for what I believe is mine, why can I not bring myself to do so. I know in my mind, my heart, and my soul what needs to be done, yet when it comes that time I'm like a runner about to make the last sprint to win the race but comes up short with a cramp and only to wonder what would of happened if I had not cramped. Live in that dimension where belief and reality start to mix until you are not sure what the truth is, just becomes a figment of your imagination where you make it sound better than it really was. Do I do this in shame? Knowing I never took the chance and don't want others to know that I was to scared to ever take that chance? If it is because I don't want people to know I was scared and it is because of what people may think I do not take the risk that I feel I should take where does that put me in the balance of life? You need balance and my balance is so unbalanced that I would almost have to dive in the water with flesh hungry sharks to put some balance of risk vs safe back in balance. Does not success come with risk? If I wish to be successful I must take risk but instead stay in the safety net of what I know and what I become used to. One day I hope to have answers of how I overcame but for now I only have stories of how I stopped when I should have gone, where I stalled when I should have dove in, and maybe with more self awareness and practice I can rewrite the history of me. How the pages will look different in the later chapters than they did in the beginning. How this character should change into what he is instead of what he ought to be and at the end hold head high with arms up in victory. Victory is not being successful but not being afraid to take the risk that could lead to success, to not sit on the sidelines of life and start to breath life back out instead of fear. To allow myself the opportunity to overcome my fears and go for the things that I wish for with all my being and at the end if I get them or not to know that I did everything humanly possible to get them. Success is being able to hold my head up high even if I fall short I can still be satisfied knowing I tried. That I went for it and win or lose that nobody can say I didn't just go for it.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The Battle: Part 1
Authority, I never really cared about it but at the same time I let it control me. In the back of my mind I say I really don't care, but the second I'm asked, I jump up to do as I was told. Is this because I really do care and just pretend that I don't? Or do I really don't care but try not to make waves? I do not know the answer to this and it is something I search for on a daily basis but feel like I never get any closer to the answer. If you ask me, do I do as I want and the answer would be yes, but I still put on the fassage of I'm doing as they wish for me to be doing. I try not to hurt the feelings of those of authority and tend to keep thoughts to myself and only open up to a select few. At the times I am confronted with authority figures it makes my skin crawl and makes me feel uncomfortable with the inability to concentrate and only wanting to be alone by myself. Makes me wonder am I just afraid but I ask myself what am I afraid of and only one answer comes to mind. That is I don't like to disappoint, I want to live up to whatever they believe it is I should be, but at the same time it doesn't allow me to be who I want to be causing this confusion with-in. The battle is one that goes deep inside, so far that my thoughts are the only one that can hear the battle and I swallow my thoughts to release the tension in my head so that I can make it another day doing the same thing I was doing before. Never really living, never really breathing, living in a life that is not controlled by my own will but by those who have a higher power over not my body nor soul but my mind. Causing my mind to conflict with my body and my soul, causing me to be in a trance of rebellion and obedience. A war that wages with no guns or ammo, but with emotions and feelings that fight one another and as long as one is satisfied the other cannot be causing an open wound in my soul that cannot be healed with medicine or stitches, only by finding the peace that is out there being searched for and being hoped for but always so distant. I try not to think about it, I fight the emotions and try to concentrate on something else not to have to face it, not to have to feel it, just to get away in my mind is to be free for a second before I go back to the chains of my own conflictions. Writing this now to put this down I fight with my fingers that is fighting with my mind to stay on track and not run away from these realities and focus and let my stomach churn and my throat tighten just trying to focus on these realities. I am the tormented while being the tormentor. It is amazing how my mind tries to stop me from thinking about this a pain in the front of my head starts to pound and a cloudiness comes over my eyes it is like it is begging me to stop, to stop going down this road and go back to the island of denial. At least in denial it does not hurt, it does not make you cringe, make your muscles tighten, it only drains the spirit from you that you care less about everything except for those that you please. Then comes the ultimate question is how long can you live doing this, how long before the earthquake in your soul splits you into and it becomes unrepairable and drives you off the ledge into sea of destruction where you sink to the bottom with the inability to swim back, how long?
map4me
I believe everybody in this world has a passion for something and sometimes that passion is not easy to find. We go through so much to try to find this passion and for many of us it might be something we can never truly articulate but we feel it in our being on what it is. Map4me is simply just saying making a path for me through this life to find my passions and be able to recognize these passions but also be able to fulfill them in my life by making them apart of my life. I believe to many of us go through life knowing our passion but not pursuing our passion. This is something we must remedy and do it quickly because life is to short. On this blog you can expect poetry, sports, ideology, and no telling what else that form who I am, and I am just trying to create my own path through this world and hopefully when I look back at it I will be proud of my trail.
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