The Battle: Part 1

Authority, I never really cared about it but at the same time I let it control me. In the back of my mind I say I really don't care, but the second I'm asked, I jump up to do as I was told. Is this because I really do care and just pretend that I don't? Or do I really don't care but try not to make waves? I do not know the answer to this and it is something I search for on a daily basis but feel like I never get any closer to the answer. If you ask me, do I do as I want and the answer would be yes, but I still put on the fassage of I'm doing as they wish for me to be doing. I try not to hurt the feelings of those of authority and tend to keep thoughts to myself and only open up to a select few. At the times I am confronted with authority figures it makes my skin crawl and makes me feel uncomfortable with the inability to concentrate and only wanting to be alone by myself. Makes me wonder am I just afraid but I ask myself what am I afraid of and only one answer comes to mind. That is I don't like to disappoint, I want to live up to whatever they believe it is I should be, but at the same time it doesn't allow me to be who I want to be causing this confusion with-in. The battle is one that goes deep inside, so far that my thoughts are the only one that can hear the battle and I swallow my thoughts to release the tension in my head so that I can make it another day doing the same thing I was doing before. Never really living, never really breathing, living in a life that is not controlled by my own will but by those who have a higher power over not my body nor soul but my mind. Causing my mind to conflict with my body and my soul, causing me to  be in a trance of rebellion and obedience. A war that wages with no guns or ammo, but with emotions and feelings that fight one another and as long as one is satisfied the other cannot be causing an open wound in my soul that cannot be healed with medicine or stitches, only by finding the peace that is out there being searched for and being hoped for but always so distant. I try not to think about it, I fight the emotions and try to concentrate on something else not to have to face it, not to have to feel it, just to get away in my mind is to be free for a second before I go back to the chains of my own conflictions. Writing this now to put this down I fight with my fingers that is fighting with my mind to stay on track and not run away from these realities and focus and let my stomach churn and my throat tighten just trying to focus on these realities. I am the tormented while being the tormentor. It is amazing how my mind tries to stop me from thinking about this a pain in the front of my head starts to pound and a cloudiness comes over my eyes it is like it is begging me to stop, to stop going down this road and go back to the island of denial. At least in denial it does not hurt, it does not make you cringe, make your muscles tighten, it only drains the spirit from you that you care less about everything except for those that you please. Then comes the ultimate question is how long can you live doing this, how long before the earthquake in your soul splits you into and it becomes unrepairable and drives you off the ledge into sea of destruction where you sink to the bottom with the inability to swim back, how long?